SO….I have been pouting about not having our trip with Ima and trying to come up with a way to make it work. The conclusion I have come to is that there will have to be a compromise. Not a new concept. Ima can not come here, new job etc. It is a LONG drive from our home to Ima’s home so, either needs to be enough time spend to make the drive worth it or fly. We can not afford flights for us, rental car, hotel etc. Scott does not have any time left off due to being out earlier in the year for Miss Kat’s arrival in to the world and our family 🙂 What that left was that poor Scott gets left behind, I pack up myself and baby Kat and drag my sis along for back up and support, and head north! SO we have a plan! I am dreading the drive it is a LONG one, 10-11 hours or so, and I hate driving long distance, but it is totally worth it 🙂 In a little over a week will be able to see Ima face to face and her first visit with us since placement. I am excited! Sad that Scott has to miss it and I know he is super bummed too. I just keep reminding him, and myself, we have a lifetime of visits to come, sucks to miss this one, but there are more to come 🙂
So, it has been a really crazy weekend filled with a lot of activity and a lot of emotions. Thursday I worked a 12 hr shift, came home and started in to our usual evening routine, only Scott isn’t feeling too well. By 11 pm we are headed to the ER as he is vomiting and can’t stop. So, I sat and held Kat until we were sent home at 430 am. LONG night. Friday he stayed home and we both tried to recuperate. Kat had her routine slightly disrupted because she does sleep through the night, but she was all in all pretty happy sleeping on me 🙂 Myself and Scott on the other hand….well he was still trying to get over his stomach virus and I was just trying to recover from no sleep. In the midst of Thursday evening, I was texting with Ima to find out that a MUCH anticipated trip was not going to happen after all. She was to come down and go to the beach with us at the end of this month. She has started a new job however (which I am SUPER happy for her) and feels that really this is just not a good time for her to travel. She has a lot of things she wants and needs to accomplish here soon and it completely makes sense for her not to travel and miss work and I completely support her decision and understand. Admittedly, selfishly though I am so so sad she won’t be coming. We were both in tears talking about it. We are already making plans for an alternate trip in its place but we had both day dreamed of our time together and what all we could do and so on, and just kind of burst my bubble. I will get over it, but it made me sad for all of us. As I said though, we will have another visit happen soon! Unfortunately Scott has no more time off this year so we can’t go to her until after the first of the year. So….those were the down points.
On the up side, Saturday we went to Scott’s cousins, daughter’s birthday party. (did you follow that?) Any way, it was the first time that his uncles and his grandfather would get to meet Kat! Every one was SO excited to meet her. That could not make me happier. I actually felt bad for the little girl whose birthday it was as so much attention was on Kat. They had gifts for her and took a million pictures, just so happy to meet her and celebrate her! Honestly makes me happier than you know. Saturday was also Kat’s big brother’s birthday. That night, we got to Skype with Ima, Kat’s brother and Kat’s uncle!! What a fantastic way to end the day! I love them SO much and I love us being a family. Hate the distance but love that we all try to make it work. I don’t know how much Kat can tell via Skype, but I know her brother was super happy to see her and all of us. I was SO SO happy to see all of them. They did it on the phone out at a birthday dinner so it could be like we were there 🙂 ❤
I am constantly amazed at how awesome open adoption can be. For all the people who question and don’t get it, I understand I guess, but I honestly can’t imagine this any other way. It truly feels so natural to me. I know some people think we are crazy, but long before I was involved with open adoption, people thought that of me for other reasons any way! lol
So, a few downs, but Scott is on the mend, and although the trip we had intended isn’t going to happen when we wanted, another trip will happen! Frankly I am glad that we were both so sad about not seeing each other, if that makes sense. It was a weekend that while there were a few bumps, was filled with my family from many angles, and the love that exists in it, and it made me very very happy 🙂
❤ ❤ ❤
Okay, so yesterday’s post was such an epic long and more on the heavy side of things, I wanted to just do a light post today. It is labor day and my husband and I both had the day off. Nothing too exciting….hanging out with Miss Kat and enjoying each other’s company. Went out to the farmer’s market this weekend and picked up some fresh fruits and veggies so I could make some baby food. I spent the afternoon working on prepping all the fruits and veggies while we had some tunes playing and Kat and Scott looked on and played along side. She is down for a nap now and fruits and veggies all in the freezer. Now just listening to music and relaxing. See, nothing too exciting, but seems heavenly all the same. LOVE simple days we all spend together 🙂
So it seems sort of odd starting this blog with where we are in our journey and I feel the need to do some type of background, or state of the union of sorts. If you read my previous blog (there is a link on here if you care to and it would help) then you know we had a long match with our daughter’s first mom. She doesn’t live in the same state as us and she had been to visit us, we went to visit her, and then of course we were there in the weeks leading to and at delivery. We texted and had phone calls almost daily throughout all that time. So, when she decided not to place with us, it was such a weird range of emotions for me it was and is difficult to articulate. I loved this girl and felt so close to her and her son and considered her family already. Truly I did. I know people like to say things like that and whatever because it sounds good, but I truly did.
So, when she chose to parent, it was an overwhelming wave of emotions to say the least. Shock was probably the first and main emotion I felt. I just kept thinking, what just happened, did this just happen. What, wha…what? I was broken-hearted in a way I have never felt before. Broken. I wanted to run away, from every one and every thing. I needed to get home, immediately as soon as possible, but even once there, I didn’t want to be there. I was comfortable no where. No one could comfort me. You see, I was devastated at the loss I felt in not becoming a mother to the darling girl I had seen born and had helped care for in the first three days of life, but it was SO much more than that. I had felt certain, this was it! This was our match, our daughter, that Ima was meant to be in our life, her son in our life, that this was our new family. All of them. Myself and Ima had often talked about how we felt all this was beyond our control, that God had brought us all together. So there was such a range of things going on for me….how could I have been so wrong about this? I started really trying to make sense of it all and that we must have been meant to be in each other’s lives I did still believe and just maybe not for the purpose I thought. I was dealing with the loss of having Ima in my life because I honestly could not have coped at that time with a relationship with her considering the loss I was feeling. That hurt me, that confused me. Was I being selfish? I expected her to deal with the loss of her daughter placed with me to parent, but it was too much for me to handle. That’s not fair. It was brutal to face that. Admittedly I was angry, I’m not sure who with because I didn’t feel anger was justified in any direction. I do believe God is in control and has my best interest. I do believe every expectant parent with intent to place owes no one anything regardless of match times, or tentative plans and that the choice is only their choice to make. However, I was for sure angry. Angry which leads to the “why me?” bullshit that we all can easily fall into and I tried to keep myself from doing.
I won’t get in to the details of how we ended up back in Ima’s home state and her placing because that is not solely my story. Suffice it to say though, that she reached out to our agency and us and let us know she had decided she wanted to place. She had concerns about how this would change the relationship we had built. Would we be too mad and angry to still remain open? Would things still be the same? Fair questions and one that I get asked often by people in our life that knew the reader’s digest version of what happened. “do you still talk to her?”
So, here is why I think that what felt like the worst thing to ever happen to me will make this open adoption thing even more amazing. Not often do adoptive mom’s know what if feels like for first moms. I suppose it is possible that there may be a first mom somewhere who eventually became an adoptive mom. I don’t know. Through this experience, I got to feel on some tiny level what it must feel like for a first mom. Before I get attacked, I am NOT saying that my experience is the same of that of a first mom, at all. What I am saying though is it gave me an inkling, a taste, which is more than most adoptive moms get. All this gives me even more perspective for my sweet girl’s first mom. I loved Ima before, and I know other adoptive moms who have the utmost respect and admiration for their children’s first parents. I can not believe though, that they have the perspective that I do, and as awful as it was to go through, I am thankful for it. I told Ima when asked if I hated her or would I still want to be open etc, what I tell everyone who asks…. I had to get on a plane and leave a precious girl whom I was deeply in love with and thought of already as my daughter. Though I had ultrasound pictures and time to imagine her it is not the same as having carried a child for 9 months….and I thought I might die when I had to leave. I thought I would just stop breathing spontaneously, the world lost color and sound and meaning and I wasn’t sure how I was going to pull myself up out of the hole I was sinking in to. SO, do I hold ill will toward the first mother of my daughter for not wanting to have to choose to place her? Of course not! I don’t know how she did it. I tell her often that she is one of the strongest people I know. I know this because of our shared journey in all of this. No one decides that it would be super fun to have to be pregnant and then place the child for adoption. NOBODY. So, the fact that it was a difficult thing to do, I can not hold against her. Would I want to keep her out of our life? Are you kidding? How could I do that? To her, to my daughter, frankly to myself. I do believe we are all learning from each other in various ways. I said it in a post in my old blog after having met Ima in person, that I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it, and I can’t. She is an integral part of my life, a blessing, a miracle and one I will be forever grateful for. ❤
So, if you are following me from my previous blog you know the background. If not, I will give you the quick version and if you care to read more you can always check out the old blog insearchofbabyriggan.wordpress.com. The story is, my husband and I have grown our family through open adoption. We were chosen by an expectant mother November of 2010 and she was due March 2011. She delivered in February 2011, and after three days decided not to place. We started hearing from her again shortly after we got back home and long story short, five weeks later were back in her home state in court where she did place with us. So cut to now, we are the proud parents of an amazing little girl and are over the moon. As my previous blog was about the journey to become parents and grow our family it seemed fitting to start a new blog where I can journal about the journey of parenthood and specifically in what I feel is the miracle of open adoption. I have thought for some time about wrapping up my previous blog and decided I did enjoy being able to journal in this manner and now that we have settled in to our new life, it was time 🙂 Thanks for reading!!