So it seems sort of odd starting this blog with where we are in our journey and I feel the need to do some type of background, or state of the union of sorts. If you read my previous blog (there is a link on here if you care to and it would help) then you know we had a long match with our daughter’s first mom. She doesn’t live in the same state as us and she had been to visit us, we went to visit her, and then of course we were there in the weeks leading to and at delivery. We texted and had phone calls almost daily throughout all that time. So, when she decided not to place with us, it was such a weird range of emotions for me it was and is difficult to articulate. I loved this girl and felt so close to her and her son and considered her family already. Truly I did. I know people like to say things like that and whatever because it sounds good, but I truly did.
So, when she chose to parent, it was an overwhelming wave of emotions to say the least. Shock was probably the first and main emotion I felt. I just kept thinking, what just happened, did this just happen. What, wha…what? I was broken-hearted in a way I have never felt before. Broken. I wanted to run away, from every one and every thing. I needed to get home, immediately as soon as possible, but even once there, I didn’t want to be there. I was comfortable no where. No one could comfort me. You see, I was devastated at the loss I felt in not becoming a mother to the darling girl I had seen born and had helped care for in the first three days of life, but it was SO much more than that. I had felt certain, this was it! This was our match, our daughter, that Ima was meant to be in our life, her son in our life, that this was our new family. All of them. Myself and Ima had often talked about how we felt all this was beyond our control, that God had brought us all together. So there was such a range of things going on for me….how could I have been so wrong about this? I started really trying to make sense of it all and that we must have been meant to be in each other’s lives I did still believe and just maybe not for the purpose I thought. I was dealing with the loss of having Ima in my life because I honestly could not have coped at that time with a relationship with her considering the loss I was feeling. That hurt me, that confused me. Was I being selfish? I expected her to deal with the loss of her daughter placed with me to parent, but it was too much for me to handle. That’s not fair. It was brutal to face that. Admittedly I was angry, I’m not sure who with because I didn’t feel anger was justified in any direction. I do believe God is in control and has my best interest. I do believe every expectant parent with intent to place owes no one anything regardless of match times, or tentative plans and that the choice is only their choice to make. However, I was for sure angry. Angry which leads to the “why me?” bullshit that we all can easily fall into and I tried to keep myself from doing.
I won’t get in to the details of how we ended up back in Ima’s home state and her placing because that is not solely my story. Suffice it to say though, that she reached out to our agency and us and let us know she had decided she wanted to place. She had concerns about how this would change the relationship we had built. Would we be too mad and angry to still remain open? Would things still be the same? Fair questions and one that I get asked often by people in our life that knew the reader’s digest version of what happened. “do you still talk to her?”
So, here is why I think that what felt like the worst thing to ever happen to me will make this open adoption thing even more amazing. Not often do adoptive mom’s know what if feels like for first moms. I suppose it is possible that there may be a first mom somewhere who eventually became an adoptive mom. I don’t know. Through this experience, I got to feel on some tiny level what it must feel like for a first mom. Before I get attacked, I am NOT saying that my experience is the same of that of a first mom, at all. What I am saying though is it gave me an inkling, a taste, which is more than most adoptive moms get. All this gives me even more perspective for my sweet girl’s first mom. I loved Ima before, and I know other adoptive moms who have the utmost respect and admiration for their children’s first parents. I can not believe though, that they have the perspective that I do, and as awful as it was to go through, I am thankful for it. I told Ima when asked if I hated her or would I still want to be open etc, what I tell everyone who asks…. I had to get on a plane and leave a precious girl whom I was deeply in love with and thought of already as my daughter. Though I had ultrasound pictures and time to imagine her it is not the same as having carried a child for 9 months….and I thought I might die when I had to leave. I thought I would just stop breathing spontaneously, the world lost color and sound and meaning and I wasn’t sure how I was going to pull myself up out of the hole I was sinking in to. SO, do I hold ill will toward the first mother of my daughter for not wanting to have to choose to place her? Of course not! I don’t know how she did it. I tell her often that she is one of the strongest people I know. I know this because of our shared journey in all of this. No one decides that it would be super fun to have to be pregnant and then place the child for adoption. NOBODY. So, the fact that it was a difficult thing to do, I can not hold against her. Would I want to keep her out of our life? Are you kidding? How could I do that? To her, to my daughter, frankly to myself. I do believe we are all learning from each other in various ways. I said it in a post in my old blog after having met Ima in person, that I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it, and I can’t. She is an integral part of my life, a blessing, a miracle and one I will be forever grateful for. ❤